As Pesach nears, our preparations have gone into high gear with cleaning, shopping, cooking and baking. Friday evening last week, as our son and I prepared for the Shabbos Seuda, our conversation, of course, turned to Pesach. We discussed our long awaited guests (my parents, G-d Willing!), the all important sleeping arrangements and then the Seder. I asked our son what he likes best about Pesach. He said the Seder, Afikoman and Chol Hamoed trips. Totally understandable, he’s eight…. We started to discuss the Seder and all of the special foods and suddenly I found myself in my mind “tasting” the Marror and Charoses! It was the strangest thing! And then, even more so, I became so excited and my whole mood (which was already pretty good) became so much more animated and lively! The very thought of the Seder brought a flood of wonderful memories. Not just visual memories, but sentient ones! I could see, smell, and taste the special Seder foods!
What is it about memories? How are they so strong? And more importantly, how can I use this to my advantage!
For the last few months I participated in the OU Women’s Initiative Art of Speaking Course for professional frum women speakers and speaker wannabes.
I guess I fall somewhere in between:) I am a coach and trainer for corporations and I have done numerous presentations as well as for my own community and the broader frum community of women. However, I am not what you would call a circuit speaker for the frum broader community, yet. Hence the wannabe….
I learned a tremendous amount from this course about speaking, presenting virtually and perfecting my message. As part of the program, you have to take turns presenting in front of the other participants and be critiqued or be the critiquers.
Just from the snippets of those presentations I listened to, I gained great bonus knowledge from my peers! One of my colleagues spoke on the topic of memory and how we use it in our daily religious lives. What piqued my interest was the book she referenced on building memory skills. I was so enamoured by the idea of improving my memory, mainly for remembering my speeches and presentations, that I ordered the book, and thanks to amazon, began reading within two days!
I have gotten about a third way through the book already and the main thing I realize is that memory is only as sticky as you make it. Meaning, when you experience an event, it only lives on in your memory if it is memorable or you make it memorable to you. And you can make it memorable. If something life altering happened, you will likely remember what you were wearing, who was with you, the time of day and what your surroundings looked like, sounded like and maybe even smelled like, because the event was so momentous.
But what is interesting is that we have the ability to make a moment memorable for ourselves, even if it may not be on the top ten list of momentous occasions. One way is to take a look around the room and really be present, paying attention to all of the details of the moment, breathing deeply, and we will be able to as they say, bottle the moment and pull it out later to take sniffs of it and revel in the beauty of that moment.
Sometimes these moments live strongly in our minds because of the meaning and value of the experience, like graduation day, a best friend’s wedding or getting married and having a child. But there are many other moments in our daily lives that make up the fabric of our existence, and these smaller experiences can be powerful if we choose to allow them to be.
Pesach has so many memories for me from my childhood as well as into my adulthood and married life. And yes, I can still taste the Marror and Charoses!
I still remember, many years ago, as a bride before my wedding, when I was taking preparatory classes with a mentor and she told me to make sure that on my wedding day, after I was in my gown and all ready, to stop and look in the mirror before I walked out to greet my guests. She went on to say that all day, everyone will see me as the bride, but I may forget to see myself as the bride, and the day will fly by before I know it. At first, I thought this was a strange recommendation, because how could I forget that I was the bride? But I realized that when I stopped (which I did!) to look at myself in the mirror in all my bridal gear that for the first time that day, it really dawned on me that this is it. I am a bride and this is real. And I still remember looking at myself in that mirror drinking in the scene around me and in awe of what was about to take place. Because I will most likely remember the Chuppah and the dancing, but I wouldn’t be able to remember me and how I looked being in it without that mental picture.
I realized then the importance of not only myself taking the time to stop and look around to breathe in my experience, but also teaching my children (and the brides I teach) to stop and breathe in the experience as well. The skills in the memory building book really brought home the power we each possess to make beautiful memories.
I have a sort of custom I started a number of years ago at our Seder. Before we sing even the opening order, I first thank everyone around the table for their assistance in preparing for Pesach. Preparing for Pesach is such a monumental task, and really is a true team effort. I go around the table and list each person’s contributions, reminding them of not only the help that they offered or gifts they brought, but also the appreciation we have for their efforts. Everyone helps to bring in Pesach as a group, but sometimes someone may get lost in the appreciation of the whole and not feel it meaningful particularly to them
Our children seem to wait to hear their honorable mention at the seder and sometimes add to the list of their accomplishments, in case I forgot something!
These moments are the stickiest because it is when we stop to make even the smaller events in our lives positively memorable, that we remember them most. And making it personal and individual brings greater importance and therefore a stickier memory.
I hope that each of us will take the time to make this Pesach season, whether it is in your preparations leading up to the holiday or during the festival itself, a positively memorable one for ourselves and our families and friends, and teach others to do the same. All you have to do is stop, breathe, look around and pay attention, noticing the details. Actively etch the memory into your mind. Sights, sounds, smells, touch, and taste. And you will be able to bring those warm memories flooding back to you every time for many years to come!